Tax the Eaters
by James Jaeger

If all men are created equal, I see no reason why all men should not pay equal taxes. Since most Americans are over-weight, the only place the government might consider collecting taxes is from the sale of food.

By placing a 5% to 25% tax only on food, it would force all people to pay equally a percentage of what they have in common -- the need to eat. Those that were eating too much and becoming fat and unproductive would have to pay more taxes, thus they might eat less, become thinner and hence more productive.

Undoubtedly, this tax scheme would set off a chain of events. People would eat less so as to be taxed less or the people who liked eating, and as a result were overweight, would have to shoulder the bulk of the tax bill. People who are over weight have to spend more energy metabolizing food hence they tend to have less energy available for productive activities. If people were taxed for eating, they might eat cheaper foods. Thus they might eat less meat hence less of the rain forests would have to be destroyed to raise cattle hence there would be more vegetation to consume the CO2 which is causing the greenhouse effect on the planet. THEN we could continue using fossil fuels for a while longer while plasma fusion was being polished.

Maybe we could tax people when they fart as well. That would get the gov a little extra money. But then how would you account for that? Maybe everyone could be required to wear a digital fart-meter on their ass. That would work. It could be coupled with an up-link to a satellite which beamed data right down to the Citizen's gov-tax account, so every time a Cit farted, his account would automatically be debited and he would get a tax-bill by email. Of course you will always get people who claim that it wasn't THEY who farted (or that someone stole their fart meter) and therefor no tax was due. This would, of course, necessitate a Fart Patrol and a Fart Court, to make sure everyone was properly wearing their meters and getting justice. The Fart Court could also adjudicate on people accused of trying to hold any farts in to evade paying taxes and make sure those who did fart only paid the minimum tax due. Courts CAN serve a vital public function.

I'm not insinuating that someone would actually try to evade paying taxes by withholding farts or blaming such on their neighbors. I'm sure every upstanding American farts whenever, and as much as s/he wants (and I believe it is also a civil right to fart or not fart as one desires -- so long as your farts don't hurt my farts and everyone respects everyone else's right to fart as little or as much as they desire).

Of course I bet farting in general would go down if people had to pay taxes-per-fart, but maybe the gov could give people a Fart Plan, where the more they farted, the cheaper per-fart-tax they paid. That would work, because most likely the rich who were eating the most would be farting the most and thus they would get tax breaks while others. Hmm, but those who don't eat very much or fart very much would be, in essence, subsidizing the rich. Maybe the poor could be able to deduct their farts from what they ate thus lowering their per-fart tax liability. Now this might be a more fair way to tax the Cits because after all, when someone farts, they DO lose some of the mass they consumed by eating thus it is only just that such lost mass be deductible from the tax on retained food. Hmmm, some how I don't think this would work either because where would you draw the line between deductions on the per-capita farts of the rich vs. the poor? Gee, writing good tax law is more complicated than I thought. Maybe I'll appreciate the RepubliCrats a little more . . . .

I know, maybe the gov could tax cows. They fart a lot I hear. But then maybe that wouldn't be fair to the farmers because people living in the city don't have as many cows. Hmmm. . . but they DO eat out more often, and thus, probably fart more, so these two factors might balance out. Hey, I think I have finally worked out a new tax code! Anyone want to second it?

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